I was so scared that it felt like I was going to throw up. I tried desperately to slow my breathing as my mind and heartbeat sped out of control. I was about to get on stage to give a speech in front of a thousand people, and I was 12 years old. My dad, a successful trial attorney, had spent weeks coaching me—helping me write my speech, practice it in front of the camcorder, making notes for improvement all the while. I had already won competitions in my class, all of 6th grade, my entire middle school, the county and now the big show—the Florida Tropicana Public Speaking State Competition! When it was finally my turn, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me to just go have fun. It doesn’t matter what the result is. “You’ve already won just by getting up there.”
I won 1st place at that competition.
People always ask me how it is that I am so confident. This is why— I had parents who believed in me and a dad who constantly nudged me out of my comfort zone.
The secret to being confident is doing things you aren’t sure you can do, and then learning you can in fact do them. When you put yourself out there and get positive results enough times, you develop a belief in yourself that “you can do anything you put your mind to.” We call this confidence.
Confidence is a feeling that we have what it takes to achieve a desired external outcome.
Sometimes that outcome is being liked by others…
I know how to “match and mirror” you to foster a feeling of connection and likeability. I know how to make interesting conversation. I know how to be aloof enough that you chase me. I know how to flirt and seduce and charm and attract. I know how to do makeup and style my hair and find my light and work my angles and edit imperfections and write witty captions that elicit lots of likes. I know how to make you laugh. I know how to work hard to get good grades and a scholarship to college. I know how to nail an interview and land pretty much any job I want. I know how to knock down doors and sell myself—or ice to an Eskimo for that matter. I know how to start a business and make lots of money. I know how to speak in front a group of people. I know I can lead a class as president, my teammates as captain, or my employees as boss. I am confident there isn’t anything I can’t do.
But I’m also confident that none of that really matters because it doesn’t get you love.
Confidence and self-love are two very different things that are often confused as being the same.
Confidence is a belief in your ability to accomplish things you desire in the world. Self-love is still feeling like you are “enough”, even when you fail. It is feeling you are worthy of love without needing to accomplish anything at all. It’s how much love you feel when no one else is around.
Confidence will get you what you want, self-love will give you what you need.
Everyone wants to be confident because it appears like that’s what makes you lovable. But we confuse being liked with being loved. Adoration, envy, respect, attention, affection, praise… Those things can feel great, but none of them will fill that void you feel within you. Nothing will feel like “enough,” and you will keep striving endlessly your whole life for more, never feeling satisfied. Only love can fill that void. And love can’t be earned. There is nothing you can “do” to be loved. You can only “be” loved.
Look at celebrities— Rich. Beautiful. Famous. Adored and desired by everyone. And yet look how many are addicted to drugs to escape their pain. They feel the pressure to perform and maintain physical perfection and the professional success that have earned them such affection—all of which dictate things they must do and carbs they must not eat and designers they must wear and awards they must win. It has to be earned. When I do this, you love me. If I stop or fail, I will lose your love. Therefore, you don’t really love me—you love my clothes and movies and the lifestyle I portray on Instagram because you fantasize about how fabulous it must be to be me, and how good about myself and loved I must feel. And you crave that for yourself. But it’s a mask and a character that is adored, not the person.
We will never feel genuine love from others until we learn to love ourselves.
Self-love will set you free. When you learn to love yourself, you don’t need anything from others. Your cup runneth over. You can connect and give love freely without seeking anything in return. You can receive love deeply without fear it is going to be taken away. You can be alone and not lonely. You can pursue passions that inspire you without fear of failure and being judged. You can open yourself fully and put yourself out there without fear of rejection. You can speak your truth without fear of abandonment. You can say “no” to things you dread doing, without fear of disappointing others. Your significance cannot be diminished nor enhanced by any external accomplishment or failure, so you are free to live a life true to yourself, not the life other people expect of you.
So how do you actually “love yourself”?
Mantras? Eh, they’re ok…
#selfcaresundays? They aren’t bad.
To love yourself is both the easiest. . . and the hardest thing to do.
You simply have to be yourself.
You reconnect to how you feel rather than just how everyone else feels.
You understand what you want rather than what everyone else wants from you.
You say “no” to things that don’t feel good.
You say “yes” to things that do feel good.
You ask for what you want and need.
You tell the truth about how you feel and what you think.
You show all parts of yourself, (even the parts you’re afraid will make them leave).
You share your pain and your shame.
You have compassion for yourself when you are hurt…
Forgiveness when you make a mistake,
Encouragement when things are hard.
You rest when you are tired.
And when you are rested, you work hard on what’s important to you.
You fill your home, your closet, your calendar, your refrigerator, and your mind with things you love… rather than the things that you think will make other people love you.
You discover that the thing that makes you feel the best in the world is to make other people feel loved—without wanting or needing anything else in return.
You realize that you are not your body, your job, your car, your witty personality, or anything else that can be taken away. YOU are eternal.
You are love. So just be yourself.
Much love,
