Imagine this...

You are born an innocent, adorable little baby entering this world with inherent worthiness of love, without having to do anything to earn or deserve affection. Imagine you grew up feeling loved and safe, yet empowered to test boundaries and explore new realms. When you inevitably got hurt in your exploration, you were met with an encouragement to express your pain, and a comforting reassurance that you will be okay. You were taught that pain is a part of life and getting hurt is not something we have to be afraid of because we are strong and can handle it. 

You were pushed to work hard for what you want, building a work ethic, confidence, and pride in your ability to make things happen. You were encouraged to fail often because it means you are taking risks, putting yourself out there and on the path to succeeding. Your unique talents, passions and interests were championed, encouraged, and celebrated, allowing you to forge a unique path, authentic to who you are and what lights you up. You went on to study things in school that interested you and forged a career path that is meaningful and fun, without a care or concern for what other people think.

Your dedication to embark on purposeful and passionate endeavors, develop your skills fully, take risks, put yourself out there, fail, keep going, ask for help, receive constructive criticism, learn, grow, pivot, innovate, and evolve, leads to incredible financial success and professional fulfillment. You continue to grow and push your boundaries your whole life, leading to perpetual passion, aliveness, and pride. 

Your genuine confidence and happiness allow you to open up and connect with people easily and effortlessly. You foster a vast community woven with genuine and deep relationships with people mutually supporting and caring about one another— feeling a profound sense of belonging and love. Your wellspring of innate security, joy, and abundance allows your cup to spill over onto others, freely sharing support, warm smiles, and random acts of kindness with both strangers and loved ones alike. When people you know hurt you, you talk about it with them openly and honestly, working through your differences, and growing together.

You wake up with excitement for your day and go to sleep with peace and fulfillment, knowing it was a day well spent. When your life is done one day, you smile knowing you left it all on the field and made the most of the time you were given. You lived, you loved, you mattered, and now you are ready for the next great adventure.

It is likely your life experience feels vastly, and maybe even laughably, different than this idyllic picture. In fact, it may feel something more like this…

You are born an innocent, adorable little baby entering this world with inherent worthiness of love. But soon you learn that affection must be earned. Early in your childhood development, you begin to study your parents, learning which behaviors please them, earn their affection, and create peace in your home. And conversely, you learn which behaviors seem to lead to disapproval, abandonment, or volatility. You internalize a deep fear that you aren’t enough and won’t be loved unless you can perform in all the right ways.

You go on to lead a life determined to prove your significance. You study things in school and choose a career path that you think will make your parents proud, earn lots of money, sound impressive to your friends or just feels safe, never considering what you enjoy. Soon you feel the pressure to settle down, get married, buy a house, maybe have a few kids—so that’s what you do. You work hard and achieve some degree of success and feel like you “should” be happy with your life, but deep down you feel a profound sense of unfulfillment, wondering “Is this it? Is this all there is?”

Your seeking of external validation creates patterns of people pleasing, social anxiety, and a life-long performance of who you think you need to be to be liked and loved. All of which leave you feeling some degree of exhausted, insecure, bitter, unworthy, anxious, alone, and uncared for.

You look at other people’s lives on social media and it feels like you are behind. It feels like you should be better, life should be more than what it is. You feel the potential within you for so much more than this. You fantasize about changing careers, changing spouses, changing addresses, changing yourself in some sort of way that just seems better.

You have lots of ideas. You set lots of goals and make lots of plans and do lots of research and think about it all a LOT… but alas nothing ever actually changes. You can never quite seem to take action or put yourself out “there.” At least not long enough to be successful. And so you remain stuck in analysis paralysis, perpetually planning to start, trapped in a purgatory between being fully here and somewhere else, enslaved by the never-ending obligations and responsibilities of your life.

You have lots of stories and excuses about why you can’t and haven’t done anything to change, but deep down you know the truth… you’re afraid. Afraid to make a mistake. Afraid to fail. Afraid to let people down. Afraid to make the wrong choice. Afraid to start over. Afraid of what people will think. Afraid of rejection, abandonment, looking stupid. Afraid you are wasting your life. Afraid you are going to die alone. Afraid of pretty much everything. Ultimately, afraid that you aren’t enough and won’t be loved.

And so you remain stuck in your familiar and comfortable routine, hidden away from the world, choosing the familiar pain of your present circumstances over the uncertain abyss beyond what you’ve known. You beat yourself up for your failure to change and for settling for this mediocre existence, gathering further evidence to support your deep-seated fear that you are not good enough.

The inner screaming of your soul that you are wasting your life manifests as anxiety, trying to wake you up to make a change. But that internal alarm is quieted by a blanket of helplessness and hopelessness called depression. And here you remain, swaddled in apathy, sucking on your chosen pacifier of comfort to get you through each day.

You’ve found enough sources of pleasure to numb, distract and escape from your pain— whether it be endless busyness, food, alcohol, pain pills, weed, shopping, video games, online puzzles, extramarital affairs, social media scrolling or Netflix binging.

These coping mechanisms provide just enough pleasure to dampen the pain of disappointment, loneliness and self-loathing that may otherwise motivate you to make a change and grow beyond your current circumstances and limitations. These low-quality sources of pleasure provide a temporary high, followed by a comedown and feeling even worse about yourself and your life, creating a downward spiral taking you further and further away from the person you might have been and the life you might have had.

Other people trigger you easily and often, causing you to either erupt in anger and meanness, hurting the people you love; or you go cold and pull away— protecting yourself and hurting them silently with your withholding of love. You pass along the pain you feel inside like a contagious pandemic, until eventually it seems that all people suffer from the affliction of being a selfish asshole. Believing that all people suck, you seek further refuge in the cozy isolation of your nest at home.

You put your head down and do what you have to do to get by. The days, months, and years blow by in a monotonous blur that feels like blink, until one day you lift your head up from the hamster wheel you’ve been mindlessly running on and realize you’ve reached the end. You are flooded with regret for all the things you wish you would have done differently. You wasted the precious time you were given just existing and settling for the distraction of entertainment instead of the rapture of aliveness that existed just outside your comfort zone. You didn’t live, you didn’t love, and you didn’t matter— and even though you aren’t ready, now it’s over. You are being forced to exit your life much the same way you lived it—feeling terrified, inadequate, and powerless.

Unless, of course, you decide to take your pen and rewrite the end of your story.

You cannot change the beginning. Your parents and your childhood were what they were and it’s not worth wasting any more energy wishing they could have or should have been different. You cannot change your past, but you sure as hell have the power to change your future. At any moment, you can choose to step up and step out of your comfort zone. You can break free from the fear, insecurity, limitations, and other dysfunctional patterns you inherited. You can start living the life deep down inside you know is possible. A life full of passion and purpose and love. A life where you feel confident and fearless, and worthy. A life that ends with no regrets.

Much love,

Confidence Versus Self Love

I was so scared that it felt like I was going to throw up. I tried desperately to slow my breathing as my mind and heartbeat sped out of control. I was about to get on stage to give a speech in front of a thousand people, and I was 12 years old. My dad, a successful trial attorney, had spent weeks coaching me—helping me write my speech, practice it in front of the camcorder, making notes for improvement all the while. I had already won competitions in my class, all of 6th grade, my entire middle school, the county and now the big show—the Florida Tropicana Public Speaking State Competition! When it was finally my turn, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me to just go have fun. It doesn’t matter what the result is. “You’ve already won just by getting up there.” 

I won 1st place at that competition.

People always ask me how it is that I am so confident. This is why— I had parents who believed in me and a dad who constantly nudged me out of my comfort zone. 

The secret to being confident is doing things you aren’t sure you can do, and then learning you can in fact do them. When you put yourself out there and get positive results enough times, you develop a belief in yourself that “you can do anything you put your mind to.” We call this confidence. 

Confidence is a feeling that we have what it takes to achieve a desired external outcome. 

Sometimes that outcome is being liked by others… 

I know how to “match and mirror” you to foster a feeling of connection and likeability. I know how to make interesting conversation. I know how to be aloof enough that you chase me. I know how to flirt and seduce and charm and attract. I know how to do makeup and style my hair and find my light and work my angles and edit imperfections and write witty captions that elicit lots of likes. I know how to make you laugh. I know how to work hard to get good grades and a scholarship to college. I know how to nail an interview and land pretty much any job I want. I know how to knock down doors and sell myself—or ice to an Eskimo for that matter. I know how to start a business and make lots of money. I know how to speak in front a group of people. I know I can lead a class as president, my teammates as captain, or my employees as boss. I am confident there isn’t anything I can’t do. 

But I’m also confident that none of that really matters because it doesn’t get you love.

Confidence and self-love are two very different things that are often confused as being the same. 

Confidence is a belief in your ability to accomplish things you desire in the world. Self-love is still feeling like you are “enough”, even when you fail. It is feeling you are worthy of love without needing to accomplish anything at all. It’s how much love you feel when no one else is around.

Confidence will get you what you want, self-love will give you what you need. 

Everyone wants to be confident because it appears like that’s what makes you lovable. But we confuse being liked with being loved. Adoration, envy, respect, attention, affection, praise… Those things can feel great, but none of them will fill that void you feel within you. Nothing will feel like “enough,” and you will keep striving endlessly your whole life for more, never feeling satisfied.  Only love can fill that void. And love can’t be earned. There is nothing you can “do” to be loved. You can only “be” loved. 

Look at celebrities— Rich. Beautiful. Famous. Adored and desired by everyone. And yet look how many are addicted to drugs to escape their pain. They feel the pressure to perform and maintain physical perfection and the professional success that have earned them such affection—all of which dictate things they must do and carbs they must not eat and designers they must wear and awards they must win. It has to be earned. When I do this, you love me. If I stop or fail, I will lose your love. Therefore, you don’t really love me—you love my clothes and movies and the lifestyle I portray on Instagram because you fantasize about how fabulous it must be to be me, and how good about myself and loved I must feel. And you crave that for yourself. But it’s a mask and a character that is adored, not the person. 

We will never feel genuine love from others until we learn to love ourselves. 

Self-love will set you free. When you learn to love yourself, you don’t need anything from others. Your cup runneth over. You can connect and give love freely without seeking anything in return. You can receive love deeply without fear it is going to be taken away. You can be alone and not lonely. You can pursue passions that inspire you without fear of failure and being judged. You can open yourself fully and put yourself out there without fear of rejection. You can speak your truth without fear of abandonment. You can say “no” to things you dread doing, without fear of disappointing others. Your significance cannot be diminished nor enhanced by any external accomplishment or failure, so you are free to live a life true to yourself, not the life other people expect of you. 

So how do you actually “love yourself”? 
Mantras? Eh, they’re ok…
#selfcaresundays? They aren’t bad.
To love yourself is both the easiest. . . and the hardest thing to do. 
You simply have to be yourself. 

You reconnect to how you feel rather than just how everyone else feels. 
You understand what you want rather than what everyone else wants from you.
You say “no” to things that don’t feel good. 
You say “yes” to things that do feel good.
You ask for what you want and need. 
You tell the truth about how you feel and what you think.
You show all parts of yourself, (even the parts you’re afraid will make them leave).
You share your pain and your shame. 
You have compassion for yourself when you are hurt…
Forgiveness when you make a mistake,
Encouragement when things are hard.
You rest when you are tired. 
And when you are rested, you work hard on what’s important to you.

You fill your home, your closet, your calendar, your refrigerator, and your mind with things you love… rather than the things that you think will make other people love you. 

You discover that the thing that makes you feel the best in the world is to make other people feel loved—without wanting or needing anything else in return. 

You realize that you are not your body, your job, your car, your witty personality, or anything else that can be taken away. YOU are eternal. 

You are love. So just be yourself.

Much love,

Spring Clean Your Life

Spring has officially sprung! Along with sunny days and rising temperatures comes the much-needed spring cleaning. Traditionally a ritual that marks the clearing out of clutter and cobwebs from our homes, the concept of spring cleaning can serve our lives in a multitude of ways.

There’s an inherent link between how we live externally and how we feel internally. Our physical environment has a huge effect on our mood, our self-esteem, and our outlook on life. Princeton’s Neuroscience Institute tells us that organizing your home can produce more focused and efficient brain functioning, not to mention significantly decreasing stress, distraction, depression, and frustration.

So, if a clean house can lead to all this, why stop there? Why not kick it up a notch? What if this year we don’t just purge the junk drawer, but all facets of our lives? It’s the perfect time to throw out the junk that’s been piling up in our bodies, minds, schedules, and relationships.

In the spirit of real action, here are some tips to kick off your whole-life-spring-cleaning. Just imagine how good it will feel when you start summer lighter, more focused, and completely motivated… 

Spring Clean Your Home: Cleaning out your entire home can feel like an unattainable dream requiring an overwhelming amount of time and effort. Let me introduce you to a concept called “chunking.” Chunking is the practice of taking something huge and breaking it apart into smaller, bite-sized pieces. The most popular way to chunk down the spring cleaning of your home is to focus on one room at a time. 

As you begin to clean out the closets and dump out your drawers, create three piles: “Keep”, “Give Away” and “Throw Away”. Employ the Marie Kondo litmus test, asking whether items in your home and closet “spark joy” in you. If they don’t make you feel good, consider getting rid of them to make space for new things that bring you more joy.

Notice what emotions arise when attempting to let things go. . . Do you feel anxious? Guilty? Maybe a little sad? It’s normal for all sorts of emotions to arise when getting rid of possessions. Use this as an opportunity to practice feeling uncomfortable and doing it anyway. Remind yourself that in a year, you won’t even remember what it was. 

Spring Clean Your Mind: Your mind is the most precious real estate you have. Don’t waste it storing to-do’s, worries, resentment, guilt, anger, or anything that prevents you from living the life you want to live. Take a mental inventory—is there anything you’ve fixated on over the last few weeks, months, or even years, that detracts from the quality of your life? Whether or not you’re conscious of it, these toxic mental anchors are weighing you down, draining your energy, and affecting your mood.

Dump out your brain (just like you did your drawers). Make a list of your “energy drainers”—things you need to do that have been weighing on your mind, but you seem to keep postponing.  Change the oil in your car, schedule your dentist appointment, call your cousin back, etc.  Then set aside a day to handle all of these tasks at once. At the end of that day, I guarantee you’ll feel remarkably better.

What other daunting thoughts have you been harboring? Are you worried about something specific or everything in general? Stop wasting energy focusing on what you don’t want to happen. Worrying has no constructive value and only guarantees you experience the very pain you’re trying to avoid. Decide to let that worry go, and instead, refocus on what you want and what is in your control, so you can enjoy your life.

Holding on to resentment or bitterness from your past is equivalent to drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. You’re the one doing the suffering. It’s not worth it. Make peace with the past to enrich the present and future. Just decide you are ready to let it go. Have the conversation you need to have in order to move on. If your situation feels too complicated to handle alone, seek the help of a professional, but get your closure. 

Spring Clean Your Body: Alright, the jig(gle) is up. We no longer need those extra pounds to stay warm so it’s time to get fit. Let’s clean out the toxins we’ve been carrying around since the holidays with some green foods and a good sweat. The human body is a complicated machine, and like any machine, it requires regular maintenance in order to function properly. This isn’t about looking good in your swimsuit, but rather having the health and energy for warmer weather’s surge in activity. (But also—who doesn’t want to look bomb in a bikini? Keep it real… Real tight!)

There are plenty of healthy ways to eliminate toxins from your organs, reaching your body’s optimal state. Your basic whole-body cleanse involves a regiment of purified water, herbal teas, fresh juices as well as living fruits and veggies. But if that sounds like a lot at once, start by increasing your water intake to half of your body weight in fluid ounces, and eliminating processed foods (and sugar!?$%!), from your diet for at least a few days. This includes alcohol—the sangria can wait a week. Also, move your body!

Just make sure to get an OK from your doctor before embarking on any of the more extreme detox plans that are out there.

Spring Clean Your Schedule: Time is an invaluable resource. Don’t waste it on anything that doesn’t serve you, grow you, or make you happy. As human beings, (especially women), we tend to put our needs last to avoid disappointing those we love. This results in stress from over-committing and dread of things we don’t actually want to do.

Well I’m here to remind you: LIFE IS TOO DAMN SHORT!

Instead of giving a knee-jerk “yes” to every request you get, ask yourself “is this something I really want to do?” If not, then it’s time to practice your hand at lovingly declining… a.k.a. learning to say “no”. Be honest with yourself and others about what you can and can’t do.

Look over your schedule and get rid of the things you don’t enjoy and aren’t absolutely necessary. Just because you’ve been involved with an organization or group for years, doesn’t mean you have to stay there forever. If you feel you’re no longer of real service and/or the experience is no longer serving you, it’s time to move on and find a better outlet for your energy.

Clear out space in your schedule to do more things that make you happy or that simply allow you to slow down and breathe. When you start living true to your own wants and needs and filling your cup up, you will have more to offer your clients, loved ones and the world.

Spring Clean Your Relationships: It’s been said that you’re a product of the five people closest to you. Your relationships affect how you feel about yourself, the standards you set, and the impression you give off to the world. Assess your relationships and let go of anyone who is perpetually negative, puts you down, or treats you poorly. No need for a formal breakup, just be aware of their impact on your life and budget your time with that person accordingly. 

Conversely, heighten your awareness of positive people with whom you’d like to spend more time— maybe an acquaintance you want to get to know better or an old friend you’ve fallen out of touch with. You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your peer group. Cultivate yours to contain only enriching, fun, healthy relationships.

What are you still doing here?!? You should be busy optimizing your home, body, mind, time, and relationships… By clearing out the things that have weighed you down in the past, you’re creating space and energy for this season’s new and infinite possibilities!

Much love,

Dating and Relationship Q&A with my Psychologist Husband!

My husband, Joseph, is a clinical psychologist. If you're into astrology, he's also a Capricorn. That is to say— he is a VERY practical guy.

He views social media and content creation as "conceptual work"... i.e. doesn't make money and therefore is a waste of time.

I however, love it! I see social media as a powerful channel that allows me to reach and help more people than I ever could through one-on-one coaching.

Because he loves me, he is supportive of my passions and ambitions, even if he questions their ROI.

I recently tested the limits of his love, requesting he go "LIVE" with me on Instagram to answer people's questions about dating and relationships.

This is his favorite topic in his therapeutic practice, and we often collaborate together, working with couples and single folks to offer both a male and female perspective on how to find and maintain a healthy, happy relationship.

To my surprise, even through it was WAY out of his comfort zone, he said yes!

We livestreamed on Instagram last weekend and answered tons of questions, including:

• My relationship feels harder than it should be… I know relationships are supposed to be hard at times, but how do I know if it’s just not a right fit and I should end it?

• I love my wife, but lately I find myself feeling very drawn to another woman. I am not going to cheat, and I feel guilty even having the desire… but I could use some help on what I should do about my feelings and how to increase my attraction to my wife.

• I do SO much for our family but I don’t feel appreciated. I can feel resentment building. Help!

• How do you overcome defensiveness in arguments when you are angry?

• When dating, do quality guys get turned off if you have sex too soon?

• I’ve been dating a guy for a long time, years. But he won’t propose to me. What should I do?

• What should you do when your parents don't like your partner?
  

I posted the recording of the livestream here. I hope you have/find a partner who loves, compromises and sacrifices as much as mine does for me!

Much love,

My Best Relationship Advice

I walked into a Walgreens the other day and was assaulted by an explosion of pink and red— a not-so-subtle reminder that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and it’s time to start talking about relationships!

My husband is a clinical psychologist and we often collaborate together working with clients, offering both male and female perspectives in oder to help single individuals find love, and couples rediscover it.

People pay me a lot of money for my advice, but because I like you… I’m going to give you my very best relationship advice for free!

Are you ready???

Here it is... Look in the mirror and work on your damn self.

Since childhood, we have been fed the fantasy that one day we will be rescued from our misery and everything will be rainbows and roses... if we can just manage to find the right person, to “complete us.”

Then we get into a relationship and proceed to punish our partners for their failure to make us happy, unconsciously trying to make them as miserable as we are. We take note of all of their short-comings, mistakes, failures, flaws, and poor judgements; gathering evidence to support our case that THEY are the reason we're not happy!

Here is the truth: Nobody can make you happy but yourself. No one can complete you either.

But once you realize that you are already whole, the right romantic partner sure as hell can complement you and make your life better.

A romantic relationship magnifies what is already within us. So if we feel a baseline of joy, that joy will be magnified by a romantic partner. But if we feel unhappy, insecure, angry, anxious, depressed, etc.— you can bet a relationship is going to be gasoline poured on the fire of our pain.

A relationship is the sum of two separate parts. Therefore the health and happiness of that relationship depends primarily on the health and happiness of the two individuals within it.

The same goes for single folks. The secret to being irresistible, with the ability to attract and keep a quality partner, is to be happy with yourself. Your happiness and confidence is like a powerful force-field that draws people to you.

So, if the 80/20 of a happy relationship is a happy individual, let’s gauge just how happy and healthy you are!?

On a scale from 1-10, rate your level of satisfaction with each area of your life, with 10 being extremely satisfied:

Career:

Family:

Friends:

Fun & Recreation:

Physical Health:

Mental/Emotional Health:

Finances:

Personal Growth/Spirituality:

Now add up your score and and divide by eight.

What’s the verdict? Don’t feel bad if you have some work to do; all change starts with awareness.

Set some goals for yourself and get to work! And don’t be afraid to seek the help of a professional if you need it.

Much love,

P.S. Want some free relationship coaching? Join my husband and me as we go "LIVE" on Instagram this Sunday 1/24 at 4pm EST to answer all of your dating and relationship questions! TUNE IN HERE!

P.P.S. Do you need some help working on yourself? Check out my Fulfillment Framework online coaching program. It's a roadmap to guide you toward discovering what a fulfilling life looks like for you, and how to overcome what's holding you back from achieving it. LEARN MORE

The Downward Cycle of Addiction: A Personal Story

I was sitting alone in my car in a Ralph’s grocery store parking lot, busting open a box of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, when suddenly there was a knock on my driver side window. Startled, I looked up to see a man in his 50’s I didn’t recognize peering in at me. I cracked my window an inch, as it appeared he wanted to tell me something. 

He leaned down and said with disgust, “You can’t wait until you get home to gorge yourself with food?”

I was shocked. My face turned hot with a mix of anger and shame. The nerve of this asshole to say something like that to me!? Usually when people are disrespectful, I can’t help but clap back with some bitchy response to put them in their place. But I was so shocked and embarrassed that I just silently rolled up the window and drove home in tears.

The truth is, no—I couldn’t wait to gorge myself; I felt addicted to food. I was inhaling those cookies in the car that day with the same fever as a meth addict tweaking for a fix. And of course, I felt deeply ashamed and trapped in a cycle I didn’t know how to break free from.

Every morning I woke up with a renewed optimism and conviction that TODAY was THE day! I was going to eat totally clean and finally lose the weight so I could start my life. I would spend an hour cutting up all sorts of vegetables and fruit and push them through my juicer, stocking gallons of fresh juice in my fridge—which I planned on being the only thing I consumed for at least a week to jumpstart my weight loss. I called this a “cleanse” to feel better about starving myself.

But every day in the late afternoon, as my work was winding down, my determination waned and my cravings took over. I would feel an overwhelming compulsion to curl up on my couch, watch a movie and fill myself with the comfort of delicious food as a reward for a hard and productive day.

I would reassure myself that I would “start again tomorrow,” as I dialed the number to my favorite Chinese restaurant. I was so ashamed about how much food I ordered, I often pretended there was someone else there to share it with me.  

“Hold on one second…” I would say to the woman on the phone.

“Do you want a brownie?” I pretended to say to my invisible boyfriend. 

“Really!?” I fake-laughed in response to his ridiculous request. 

“OK…” I would tell the woman on the other end of the line, “He wants a brownie AND a cookie!” making fun of his gluttony.

When the delivery man arrived, I would turn on the shower before I opened the door so that he wouldn’t think I was alone, and all this food was just for me. 

This cycle continued every day for months; Months turned into years. Hidden in a cocoon of shame, I made sure that nobody knew what was going on behind the closed doors of my fabulous loft. The world just assumed I was fabulous; Thriving; Loving life. And that’s how I wanted it. 

I needed people to be impressed with me. I wanted people to feel envious of my “sexy, single lifestyle.” I never opened up to people to tell them I was struggling. After all, I’m the life coach; I’m the rock and the fixer; I’m the one to whom people turn for support and inspiration. Why would they listen to me if I too, was a mess?  I didn’t want to burden my loved ones with the uncertainty that the knowledge that their source of certainty was broken would instill. So, I put on makeup to cover the cracks and a happy smile to mask the pain, and all the world saw was a care-free veneer of perfection.

I was trapped in a paradox of my own making: I couldn’t put myself “out there” socially, professionally or romantically until I lost weight.  But I couldn’t lose weight because food was the only source of pleasure in my life. 

And this was the holding pattern I wasted years stuck in, all the while planning and preparing to start living the life I had dreamed of; the life I pinned pretty pictures of on Pinterest and made vision boards galore. The life I visualized, planned, set endless goals to achieve and tried my damndest to manifest, but never could seem to take meaningful, consistent action to create. Starting, but always falling back even further, it felt like there was an invisible forcefield I just couldn’t seem to break though.

The depression of loneliness turned to anxiety as the fear that my life was being wasted blasted its warning siren. I couldn’t sleep. The voice inside of me was screaming at me—at how ridiculous it all was. “Just do something you idiot!”

But I couldn’t. I was impotent, paralyzed in place. I hated myself for my failure to change my life. I was so utterly stuck. . . isolated. And it felt like I was slowly dying. 

As I write about this now, it seems like a different life, and a completely different person than who I am today. 

Now I feel strong and healthy and genuinely happy and free. I have finally become the person I always wanted to be, and I have a life even greater than the one I used to pin from my couch. I travel all over the world and work from anywhere I want. My clients are some of the most impressive and inspiring people to walk the earth— from celebrities and professional athletes to CEO’s of huge brands. I wake up watching the sunrise over the ocean from my bed, next to a gorgeous husband and two adorable dogs. Oh, and I finally got on a scale after forgetting about such silly notions as caring what you weigh—and it turns out I’m at my previous goal weight, without juice cleansing, starving or even dieting at all! 

But the way that I finally broke free and got here was not at all what I thought it would take.

I thought that I would discipline myself and work hard enough to one day achieve the perfect body, and then I would feel confident putting myself out there to achieve fame and fortune, and THEN I would be irresistible to a man and worthy of the love I craved. . .and then I would feel I was enough. 

But I had it completely backwards. All of those things finally and effortlessly came to me when I learned how to love myself— which ironically meant I stopped needing these things to happen. 

Deepak Chopra says: “Fulfillment is the state of needing nothing because you are enough in yourself.”

And that’s what happened. . . Through a series of synchronistic life events, I learned how to feel I was enough and fulfilled within myself, without requiring success, a man to love me or achieving my goal body weight.

And in the greatest irony of life, when I stopped needing these things, they effortlessly happened. I finally manifested everything I wanted and much, much more.

Much Love,

How to get Unstuck

The number one thing I hear from people coming to coaching is, “Help, I’m stuck!”

In this video I share a powerful formula I've developed to help people break free from their holding patterns, so they can finally bring their dreams to Fruition. 

If you are ready to start living the life you feel deep down is there, waiting to be lived, check out my Fulfillment Framework coaching program.

Much love,

6 Life Lessons 2020 Really Wants You to Learn

Let’s face it, it’s been a dumpster fire of a year. 2020 gave us a global pandemic that, as of this writing, has taken the lives of over 1.5 million of our fellow human beings. And for the lucky rest of us, it put a hard stop to our normal, everyday existence by imprisoning us in our homes, isolating us from friends and loved ones, and crashing our economy. People have been left grieving, jobless, fearful, and barely hanging on. 

And if that wasn’t enough, the year that kept on giving also brought us unbelievable levels of political chaos and social tension so severe that it hasn’t felt like an overreaction to wonder if our nation would even survive. But 2020 didn’t stop there! It also gave us raging fires, deadly hurricanes, and murder hornets. It took Kobe Bryant, Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg from us. It even tried to take our toilet paper! 

But even in our present struggles, we can still find meaning if we look hard enough. Finding joy in a time of darkness is, at its most basic, about shifting your perspective. Most people who know me have heard me preach that “what’s good” is always available if you look for it—even in situations that may seem quite bad—like the year 2020.  As this year (finally) comes to an end, now is a good time to comb through the wreckage Hurricane Veinte-Veinte left behind, to find and take the buried treasures with us before we toss this year to the curb and move the hell on with our lives.

Here are a few of the lessons that 2020 really seems to want us to learn:

Appreciate the little things.

“You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” 

It’s been well researched that the feeling of gratitude acts like a natural anti-depressant in the brain. Weirdly, 2020 gave us a lot of opportunities to feel grateful. I don’t know about you, but at the height of my lockdown, when everything felt so scary, every time I used my phone to order food or groceries, I felt grateful for a technology that I had taken for granted before. Every time my friends and I had a glass of wine together on a group FaceTime, I appreciated them more than ever. And, if you were unlucky enough to actually contract the virus (like me), then recovering reminded you how wonderful it could be to feel healthy and alive again. 

 Now, finally, 2021 is right around the corner, along with a vaccine and hope of travel, warm hugs, sweaty dance clubs, high fives, and big family get-togethers. Just think about how many amazing parts of everyday life we’re going to get to feel grateful for! Let’s take the lesson from this year and never take for granted how precious the little things in life are. 

You are stronger than you think.

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” – Christopher Reeve

Growth requires discomfort. When we are challenged and stretched beyond our limits, that’s when we find the strength we didn’t know we had. When life is hard and dark and scary but, nevertheless we persist, that’s when we discover what we’re truly capable of. 

Millions of us are struggling with illness, grief, loneliness, professional uncertainty and financial hardship right now. But in that pain, we have the opportunity to learn to see in ourselves the kind of everyday hero that Superman was talking about. Life is full of difficult periods, and to get through them we just keep persevering; it doesn’t have to be pretty. 

As we near the end of 2020 (#hallelujah!), take a little moment to appreciate the fact that you’re still going. No matter how much garbage this year has thrown at you, you keep putting one foot in front of the other. Never mind how much wine, Netflix, and Grubhub it’s taken to get through it, you are doing it! And if you can get through this, just think what other hard things you can do! When life (hopefully) gets easier in 2021, maybe you’ll maintain your newfound strength and apply it in the direction of pursuing a goal or dream that previously felt scary? The secret to success is to just not stop until you get where you want to be. Take the perseverance 2020 has taught you into the new year, and oh the places you’ll go!

Accept and surrender the things you cannot control.

“Let go or be dragged.” -Zen Proverb

This year has been characterized by tremendous uncertainty. It has been impossible to predict from one day to the next what the future might bring. Our health, the health of our families, our jobs, our communities, our government, pretty much everything feels up in the air. 

When faced with any kind of uncertainty, there are two options: 

1.     Worry about the future, focusing on everything that might go wrong and just how bad things could get until you’ve made yourself sick with anxiety. 

or. . . 

2.     Learn to live in the present, looking only at what is in your control and, from there, try to do the next right thing.

Life will always be full of unexpected challenges.  However, worrying about the future is not a way to solve problems; it’s a way of letting them paralyze you with fear. The quicker you can accept that your current situation is what it is, the quicker you will be able to adapt to it and develop a new strategy to move forward based on what’s real, rather than wasting energy trying to defend against the phantom scenarios in your head.

Victor Frankel, famously, wrote that one of the miracles of being human is our capacity for finding meaning, even while suffering horrors as unfathomable as life in a Holocaust concentration camp. As he taught, we can’t control what happens in life, but we can always control what it means to us. 

Feeling pain doesn’t need to mean we are defined by pain, or even that pain is always bad. Our pain comes from resisting what is, because it isn’t in alignment with our preference for how we believe life should be. But if we choose to look at life as happening for us, not to us, it trains us to look for the gift and find positive meaning in everything that happens. Once you accept that, at this moment, life has chosen to give you this situation, you can transform it by surrendering to it.

“Surrender” often gets a negative connotation. People hear the word and think it only means “giving up.” But I believe surrender is counterintuitively one of the most difficult and rewarding things you can learn. Maybe 2020 forced you to press pause on the ambitious goals and brilliant plans you had made for yourself. You can cry and moan over the loss, or you can sit back and marvel at the mysteries of life and laugh at the ridiculous thought that you might control such a force.  

The surrender I’m talking about is not passive; it is actively showing up to life, as life is showing up for you. Learning to surrender and release our death grip on life puts us in alignment with the present. It allows us to open and receive the vast possibilities that surround us, attuning us to the magic of the Universe. 

Challenge the status quo.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, not the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.” ­– Charles Darwin 

I believe that, in the long run, we’re going to look back on this time as being truly transformative. In just a few months, basic beliefs that have governed the structure of our society for decades suddenly seem like nothing but old habits that, thanks to technology, can now be tossed in the trash. 

In 2020, it turns out that we don’t need to go to an office to work. It turns out that kids don’t have to live near their school to learn. It turns out that there’s no reason to fly back and forth all over the world just for meetings or conferences. And if all that’s the case, maybe we don’t actually have to move to the big city to get a good job. Maybe we don’t need to fight for every dollar just to afford a house in an expensive school district. Maybe we don’t have to burn up the environment for businesses to function. 

2020 forced us to rethink much of what passed as status quo. It let us ignore the assumption that “This is the way things need to be done,” and instead ask ourselves, “How else could we do this?” The 2020 mindset is one that expedites innovation, adaptation, and evolution, and we’re going to be seeing the effects of it for generations.

The same is true for your own life. Try to embrace the newness of this world and see what possibilities might open up for you. Take inventory of your life and notice the things you don’t necessary like. Who says it has to be this way? Challenge your preconceived assumptions, unconscious patterns, silent rules and invisible limitations. Think bigger. . . Ask yourself questions like, “What if anything was possible? What do I really want and how can I make it happen?” 

Have you always wanted to live in a little house in the country, but felt like you couldn’t because your job was in the city? We may just be entering a time when, with a dream and a good Wi-Fi connection, anything is possible if we just think bigger.

Happiness requires connection.

“All you need is love.” — The Beatles 

 With stay-at-home orders, social distancing, closed borders, plexiglass walls, BLM protests, and a heated election, life in 2020 appears at first blush to have been nothing but profound, wall-to-wall isolation, division, and conflict, but take another look. Behind those deep feelings of separation is an unprecedented opportunity to appreciate how much we need to feel connected to each other. 

The truth is, we were all connected this year. Each of us had unique experiences, but we were all forced to navigate the same threat. We shared a global experience of hardship, with the whole planet at war with one common enemy. The feelings that arose from the experience, the feelings you and I endured, the pervasive loneliness and subsequent depression, taught us just how important intimacy, connection and community are for our health and happiness. 

Many of us were moved to offer our love and support to those who needed it, even if all we could do was bang pots and pans so that they knew we were thinking about them. There was an unprecedented number of pet adoptions this year (roughly a 70% increase), giving homes and care to animals who might otherwise have remained caged or been killed. Our isolation also presented an opportunity to reconnect with ourselves on a deeper level. For some of us, that meant learning to be with ourselves and enjoy our own company for the very first time. 

Hopefully, as the world reopens, we will bring with us an understanding of the importance of authentic connection and truly being present with the people in our lives. Even the superficial interactions we previously found unimportant—shaking hands when you meet someone, seeing the smile of a shop clerk—can hold new meaning for us if we remember just how hungry we were for them during the dark, lonely days of 2020. Let’s hold those hugs a little longer as soon as we are allowed to be within six feet of each other.

Slow down. (And reflect.)

“The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered ‘Man! Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.’”

Before this year, most of us went through life like it was a set of Ikea instructions. Step one, high school; step two, college; step three, job, then better job, then better, better job. Maybe a spouse and some kids got shoved in there at some point and hopefully an occasional beach vacation!  What was left was a life as wobbly and ready to collapse as a dresser built with an Allen wrench. 

Most of us jumped straight into the rat race of hurry up and get ahead, and we never paused long enough to ask ourselves hard questions like, “Who am I?”; “What do I want?”; “Why am I here?” We put our heads down and committed to our paths, finding glory in our grind and significance in our stress. We never paused on the never-ending to-do list/hamster-wheel long enough to wonder whether any of it even mattered.

And then, the pandemic hit. 

In the biz, we call this a “pattern interrupt.” An event so unexpected, so out of the ordinary happens that not only does it stop us in our tracks, it makes us wonder how we got in those particular tracks in the first place. It’s as if 2020 shook us all awake out of a very, very boring dream. 

No longer able to hide behind the story of busyness, we were suddenly forced to slow down and reflect on our lives—something most of us had worked extremely hard to avoid. It usually isn’t until a birthday with a zero behind it sneaks up and bitch slaps us across the face, that we reflect on our own mortality and realize that we only have a finite amount of time left on this Earth—you know, classic mid-life crisis stuff.

Well, this pandemic has induced a premature mid-life crisis for a lot of people— and what a great thing that is! Sure, questioning things like our identity, core values, and purpose doesn’t feel so hot and can shake the foundations on which we have built our lives. Yes, it can feel confusing, overwhelming, and anxiety-inducing, but when you are confused, you look for answers. And when you are looking for something, that’s when you tend to find it!

The extra time provided by the pandemic has allowed people to reflect on what really matters and to realign their lives accordingly. Being locked in our houses has created boredom that some people have handled by scraping the dark corners of Netflix and constantly refreshing their social media channels. But others have taken the opportunity to learn a new hobby, get healthy, reconsider their careers, finally write that book, or spend quality time with their kids. 

Often the greatest lessons and the most dramatic growth emerge from our hardest experiences. To become a butterfly, the caterpillar must fall apart completely, and decompose down to its very essence, devoid of any shape or consciousness; it literally dies. There is nothing left of it. And from this liquid essence, the butterfly begins to put itself back together, from scratch.

If you chose to let it, 2020 might have provided the quarantine cocoon that facilitated your own transformation, an opportunity to reemerge with a whole new self, a whole new life, hell—maybe even a whole new world!? A world where we have a greater appreciation for the little things in life and for each other. A world where we waste less energy worrying about things we can’t control and spend more energy on the things that matter most to us. 

So, THANK YOU 2020, for turning our upside-down world, upside down, such that we might finally start living right side up.  

Much Love,

P.S. Now maybe you’re saying, “Well shit, Meg, now that you put it like that. . .I feel even worse about myself, because I didn’t do a damn thing to ‘transform’ my life”.  Have no fear, it’s not too late. I have created an online coaching program called “The Fulfillment Framework” to help expedite your expansion by guiding you through a process to help you understand who you uniquely are, and how to design a fulfilling life and career you love. You can check it out here.

P.P.S. If you are one of the #blessed people who haven’t had too rough of a year, maybe consider helping those less fortunate by donating to one of the following organizations: 

Feeding America

Meals on Wheels

GoFundMe has set up a central fundraising database to directly help individuals struggling with costs associated with COVID-19.

How To Deal With Difficult Family Members

We’re heading into the holiday season, which typically means more time around your family. If you’re lucky, that’s good news. But if you’re like a lot of us, holiday family time means even more anger, frustration, anxiety, and generally feeling like shit about yourself than 2020 has already gifted you with so far. 

So, if you have a challenging family (and if you can’t use Fauci as an excuse to avoid them altogether), I have some advice for how to survive (and maybe even enjoy!?) your family this holiday season. 

See your family members as they are, not as you think they should be. 

I’ve found that, for my clients (and for myself!), much of the pain of being with family comes from the anxiety that comes before the interaction. You might spend weeks leading up to a get-together, dreading that the old patterns you’ve always found so painful are going to reappear. You worry that Mom’s going to criticize your weight, or that Dad is going to say something condescending when you mention how much you love your new job, or that angry Uncle Larry will try to turn an otherwise Hallmark Christmas into a Q-Anon recruiting session...again.

The gap between the way things are and the way you think you they should be is called frustration. It comes from comparing your family to the image in your mind of what a “good” family should be. Frustration causes pain when you hope that your family members will or won’t act a certain way and then you get disappointed when, sure enough, they fail to live up to your expectations. The idea that you have of what their best self should be, is your idea of it, not theirs. Maybe pounding the table about the “Clinton News Network” (aka CNN) is how Uncle Larry finds his bliss, who knows?  

So, strategy number one this holiday season is to practice letting go of how you think your family should or wish they would, or believe they could, be. Try not to judge them or make them wrong for what you see as their shortcomings. Instead, see if you can love them—or at least allow them—exactly as they are. We all have character flaws, failures and limitations, and we do the best we can with what we have. Your family is no different. 

When you manage to quiet this feeling of wishing for things to be different, see if the pain of frustration lifts. Because the truth of the matter is you can’t change anybody but yourself. If you remain deeply triggered and affected by other people, it’s a sign that you have some work to do on yourself. Instead of complaining about your family, focus on finding acceptance for your past, gratitude for your present, and excitement for your future. The better you feel about yourself and your life, the harder it will be for other people to affect you. 

Take nothing personally. 

When a family member angers or upsets you, it’s because you are taking their behavior personally. But, when you consider why your family members are the way they are, you will see that it actually has nothing to do with you. Hurt people hurt. People who judge others, judge themselves. Anybody who makes someone else feel small, doesn’t know a better way to feel bigger. Practice having empathy and understanding for why they are the way they are.

Maybe Mom criticizes your body because she comes from a time and culture where a woman’s prospects in life were largely determined by how she was perceived by men. Maybe Dad judges your work because it reminds him that his children have careers they’re passionate about, but he always had to take what he could get. Maybe they’re jealous of you. Maybe they’re scared for you. Maybe they’re full of regret. Maybe the reason they seem selfish is because their rough childhood taught them that “you have to take care of yourself because no one else is going to.”

Whatever the reason, when you stop to look at your family with empathy and compassion, you will see that their hurtful actions are a manifestation of their own feelings of insignificance, not yours. Their capacity to make you feel loved and “enough”, depends on their own self-love and ability to feel enough themselves. We cannot give what we do not have. It’s your choice whether to respond with anger (possibly aggravating their deep fears of insignificance even further), or with the acceptance and love they probably never received. 

Set boundaries. 

Accepting and having compassion for someone else’s limitations is no replacement for protecting your own sense of self-worth. So, strategy number three for having a happy family holiday is to set boundaries. 

Boundaries are the lines you draw between the potentially hurtful behavior of others and your own comfort zone. Put a more positive way, boundaries are the healthy balance between love for others and love for yourself. 

Setting a boundary can mean many things. It can mean establishing physical boundaries around your body or personal space; emotional boundaries around how you feel and what parts of yourself you share; resource boundaries around your time, money and energy; and material boundaries around your things and how they are used and treated. So, set boundaries with your loved ones in a way that allows you to interact with them and still feel safe and strong. 

However, it’s not enough to just set boundaries; you also have to keep them. If you’re not used to setting—and sticking to—boundaries with your family, it can be scary to start. Especially if you are infamously a “people pleaser”, you may have no experience with this at all. 

But just because something is uncomfortable or scary doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. In fact, it usually means that’s exactly where your most important personal growth lies. Learning to stand up for yourself, asking for what you need, and expressing what you don’t like in a respectful way, is a powerful act of self-love and a crucial skill for any healthy relationship.

It’s important to note that setting a boundary with your family doesn’t mean starting a fight. If yours is an especially troubled family, you might even feel that you have to rev yourself up with anger to protect yourself. But in that case a fight is almost guaranteed, which—uh oh, plot twist!—might turn you into the difficult family member!

To help defuse your defensive or aggressive energy, it’s helpful to set a positive intention for your time with your family. When you brace yourself in anticipation of the bad, things are pretty much sure to fall apart. Instead, try to go in positive and intentional, giving what you want to get. Do you want to feel loved and accepted? Great, set the intention to go in loving and accepting of your family.  

Focus on what’s good about your family members.

What’s bad will always exist, but so will what’s good. The things on which we choose to focus will determine how we feel. Training yourself to find what’s good in any person or situation is the secret to happiness.

Your dad may seem selfish and unreliable, but he probably has some wonderful qualities as well. Maybe he’s the life of the party, always full of incredible stories. Those stories might be one way you get laughter and joy and lightness in your life. Similarly, maybe his selfishness, looked at another way, is a fierce independence, a trait that you share and learned from him. There are a lot of ways to view the same behavior.

Your dad may not be the person you turn to for comfort (you have friends you can depend on for that), but he might be the one you call when you just need a laugh. He might be a role model or a sounding board when you need someone to encourage you to stand up for yourself.

You don’t need one person to be everything to you. Focus on what’s good about each of your family members, and seek out other relationships to help fulfill your other needs. 

Remember that one day your loved ones aren’t going to be around. When they’re gone, how are you going to wish you interacted with them during the time you had? Are you going to wish you hadn’t picked that fight or wasted your holidays debating issues you already knew were a waste of breath and energy? Make the most of your time together by accepting them as they are, having empathy for their limitations, exercising boundaries that help mitigate their shortcomings, and enjoying what’s good about them and the time you have together. 

Ultimately, you are an adult with the power to choose what you do with your life and whom you spend your time with. You absolutely have the right to avoid the things and people that make you feel bad—yes, including angry Uncle Larry. But you also have the opportunity to choose to approach things differently; to try to release old triggers, change old patterns and remove any internal barriers that block you from giving love freely. The antagonist in your life is also the angel, put at the dinner table to help you grow. Take the lesson, practice the acceptance, find the empathy, give the love, and grow beyond your previous limitations. Maybe, just maybe, that’s the real gift your family has for you this holiday season.

Much Love,

Embracing Uncertainty →

In this clip from The Fire Within Podcast, Founder of Fruition Coaching, Megan Abbott, discusses the power of learning to embrace uncertainty.

I was interviewed on The Fire Within podcast, and the episode ended up being fire! I’ve received incredible feedback from people on how helpful they found it. Even my dad wrote me a lengthy email about how impressed he was, and provided zero constructive criticism!? ;)

I highly recommend you listen to the whole damn thing. Then let me know what you think!

Much love,