Confidence Versus Self Love

I was so scared that it felt like I was going to throw up. I tried desperately to slow my breathing as my mind and heartbeat sped out of control. I was about to get on stage to give a speech in front of a thousand people, and I was 12 years old. My dad, a successful trial attorney, had spent weeks coaching me—helping me write my speech, practice it in front of the camcorder, making notes for improvement all the while. I had already won competitions in my class, all of 6th grade, my entire middle school, the county and now the big show—the Florida Tropicana Public Speaking State Competition! When it was finally my turn, my dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me to just go have fun. It doesn’t matter what the result is. “You’ve already won just by getting up there.” 

I won 1st place at that competition.

People always ask me how it is that I am so confident. This is why— I had parents who believed in me and a dad who constantly nudged me out of my comfort zone. 

The secret to being confident is doing things you aren’t sure you can do, and then learning you can in fact do them. When you put yourself out there and get positive results enough times, you develop a belief in yourself that “you can do anything you put your mind to.” We call this confidence. 

Confidence is a feeling that we have what it takes to achieve a desired external outcome. 

Sometimes that outcome is being liked by others… 

I know how to “match and mirror” you to foster a feeling of connection and likeability. I know how to make interesting conversation. I know how to be aloof enough that you chase me. I know how to flirt and seduce and charm and attract. I know how to do makeup and style my hair and find my light and work my angles and edit imperfections and write witty captions that elicit lots of likes. I know how to make you laugh. I know how to work hard to get good grades and a scholarship to college. I know how to nail an interview and land pretty much any job I want. I know how to knock down doors and sell myself—or ice to an Eskimo for that matter. I know how to start a business and make lots of money. I know how to speak in front a group of people. I know I can lead a class as president, my teammates as captain, or my employees as boss. I am confident there isn’t anything I can’t do. 

But I’m also confident that none of that really matters because it doesn’t get you love.

Confidence and self-love are two very different things that are often confused as being the same. 

Confidence is a belief in your ability to accomplish things you desire in the world. Self-love is still feeling like you are “enough”, even when you fail. It is feeling you are worthy of love without needing to accomplish anything at all. It’s how much love you feel when no one else is around.

Confidence will get you what you want, self-love will give you what you need. 

Everyone wants to be confident because it appears like that’s what makes you lovable. But we confuse being liked with being loved. Adoration, envy, respect, attention, affection, praise… Those things can feel great, but none of them will fill that void you feel within you. Nothing will feel like “enough,” and you will keep striving endlessly your whole life for more, never feeling satisfied.  Only love can fill that void. And love can’t be earned. There is nothing you can “do” to be loved. You can only “be” loved. 

Look at celebrities— Rich. Beautiful. Famous. Adored and desired by everyone. And yet look how many are addicted to drugs to escape their pain. They feel the pressure to perform and maintain physical perfection and the professional success that have earned them such affection—all of which dictate things they must do and carbs they must not eat and designers they must wear and awards they must win. It has to be earned. When I do this, you love me. If I stop or fail, I will lose your love. Therefore, you don’t really love me—you love my clothes and movies and the lifestyle I portray on Instagram because you fantasize about how fabulous it must be to be me, and how good about myself and loved I must feel. And you crave that for yourself. But it’s a mask and a character that is adored, not the person. 

We will never feel genuine love from others until we learn to love ourselves. 

Self-love will set you free. When you learn to love yourself, you don’t need anything from others. Your cup runneth over. You can connect and give love freely without seeking anything in return. You can receive love deeply without fear it is going to be taken away. You can be alone and not lonely. You can pursue passions that inspire you without fear of failure and being judged. You can open yourself fully and put yourself out there without fear of rejection. You can speak your truth without fear of abandonment. You can say “no” to things you dread doing, without fear of disappointing others. Your significance cannot be diminished nor enhanced by any external accomplishment or failure, so you are free to live a life true to yourself, not the life other people expect of you. 

So how do you actually “love yourself”? 
Mantras? Eh, they’re ok…
#selfcaresundays? They aren’t bad.
To love yourself is both the easiest. . . and the hardest thing to do. 
You simply have to be yourself. 

You reconnect to how you feel rather than just how everyone else feels. 
You understand what you want rather than what everyone else wants from you.
You say “no” to things that don’t feel good. 
You say “yes” to things that do feel good.
You ask for what you want and need. 
You tell the truth about how you feel and what you think.
You show all parts of yourself, (even the parts you’re afraid will make them leave).
You share your pain and your shame. 
You have compassion for yourself when you are hurt…
Forgiveness when you make a mistake,
Encouragement when things are hard.
You rest when you are tired. 
And when you are rested, you work hard on what’s important to you.

You fill your home, your closet, your calendar, your refrigerator, and your mind with things you love… rather than the things that you think will make other people love you. 

You discover that the thing that makes you feel the best in the world is to make other people feel loved—without wanting or needing anything else in return. 

You realize that you are not your body, your job, your car, your witty personality, or anything else that can be taken away. YOU are eternal. 

You are love. So just be yourself.

Much love,

My Best Relationship Advice

I walked into a Walgreens the other day and was assaulted by an explosion of pink and red— a not-so-subtle reminder that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and it’s time to start talking about relationships!

My husband is a clinical psychologist and we often collaborate together working with clients, offering both male and female perspectives in oder to help single individuals find love, and couples rediscover it.

People pay me a lot of money for my advice, but because I like you… I’m going to give you my very best relationship advice for free!

Are you ready???

Here it is... Look in the mirror and work on your damn self.

Since childhood, we have been fed the fantasy that one day we will be rescued from our misery and everything will be rainbows and roses... if we can just manage to find the right person, to “complete us.”

Then we get into a relationship and proceed to punish our partners for their failure to make us happy, unconsciously trying to make them as miserable as we are. We take note of all of their short-comings, mistakes, failures, flaws, and poor judgements; gathering evidence to support our case that THEY are the reason we're not happy!

Here is the truth: Nobody can make you happy but yourself. No one can complete you either.

But once you realize that you are already whole, the right romantic partner sure as hell can complement you and make your life better.

A romantic relationship magnifies what is already within us. So if we feel a baseline of joy, that joy will be magnified by a romantic partner. But if we feel unhappy, insecure, angry, anxious, depressed, etc.— you can bet a relationship is going to be gasoline poured on the fire of our pain.

A relationship is the sum of two separate parts. Therefore the health and happiness of that relationship depends primarily on the health and happiness of the two individuals within it.

The same goes for single folks. The secret to being irresistible, with the ability to attract and keep a quality partner, is to be happy with yourself. Your happiness and confidence is like a powerful force-field that draws people to you.

So, if the 80/20 of a happy relationship is a happy individual, let’s gauge just how happy and healthy you are!?

On a scale from 1-10, rate your level of satisfaction with each area of your life, with 10 being extremely satisfied:

Career:

Family:

Friends:

Fun & Recreation:

Physical Health:

Mental/Emotional Health:

Finances:

Personal Growth/Spirituality:

Now add up your score and and divide by eight.

What’s the verdict? Don’t feel bad if you have some work to do; all change starts with awareness.

Set some goals for yourself and get to work! And don’t be afraid to seek the help of a professional if you need it.

Much love,

P.S. Want some free relationship coaching? Join my husband and me as we go "LIVE" on Instagram this Sunday 1/24 at 4pm EST to answer all of your dating and relationship questions! TUNE IN HERE!

P.P.S. Do you need some help working on yourself? Check out my Fulfillment Framework online coaching program. It's a roadmap to guide you toward discovering what a fulfilling life looks like for you, and how to overcome what's holding you back from achieving it. LEARN MORE

The Downward Cycle of Addiction: A Personal Story

I was sitting alone in my car in a Ralph’s grocery store parking lot, busting open a box of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, when suddenly there was a knock on my driver side window. Startled, I looked up to see a man in his 50’s I didn’t recognize peering in at me. I cracked my window an inch, as it appeared he wanted to tell me something. 

He leaned down and said with disgust, “You can’t wait until you get home to gorge yourself with food?”

I was shocked. My face turned hot with a mix of anger and shame. The nerve of this asshole to say something like that to me!? Usually when people are disrespectful, I can’t help but clap back with some bitchy response to put them in their place. But I was so shocked and embarrassed that I just silently rolled up the window and drove home in tears.

The truth is, no—I couldn’t wait to gorge myself; I felt addicted to food. I was inhaling those cookies in the car that day with the same fever as a meth addict tweaking for a fix. And of course, I felt deeply ashamed and trapped in a cycle I didn’t know how to break free from.

Every morning I woke up with a renewed optimism and conviction that TODAY was THE day! I was going to eat totally clean and finally lose the weight so I could start my life. I would spend an hour cutting up all sorts of vegetables and fruit and push them through my juicer, stocking gallons of fresh juice in my fridge—which I planned on being the only thing I consumed for at least a week to jumpstart my weight loss. I called this a “cleanse” to feel better about starving myself.

But every day in the late afternoon, as my work was winding down, my determination waned and my cravings took over. I would feel an overwhelming compulsion to curl up on my couch, watch a movie and fill myself with the comfort of delicious food as a reward for a hard and productive day.

I would reassure myself that I would “start again tomorrow,” as I dialed the number to my favorite Chinese restaurant. I was so ashamed about how much food I ordered, I often pretended there was someone else there to share it with me.  

“Hold on one second…” I would say to the woman on the phone.

“Do you want a brownie?” I pretended to say to my invisible boyfriend. 

“Really!?” I fake-laughed in response to his ridiculous request. 

“OK…” I would tell the woman on the other end of the line, “He wants a brownie AND a cookie!” making fun of his gluttony.

When the delivery man arrived, I would turn on the shower before I opened the door so that he wouldn’t think I was alone, and all this food was just for me. 

This cycle continued every day for months; Months turned into years. Hidden in a cocoon of shame, I made sure that nobody knew what was going on behind the closed doors of my fabulous loft. The world just assumed I was fabulous; Thriving; Loving life. And that’s how I wanted it. 

I needed people to be impressed with me. I wanted people to feel envious of my “sexy, single lifestyle.” I never opened up to people to tell them I was struggling. After all, I’m the life coach; I’m the rock and the fixer; I’m the one to whom people turn for support and inspiration. Why would they listen to me if I too, was a mess?  I didn’t want to burden my loved ones with the uncertainty that the knowledge that their source of certainty was broken would instill. So, I put on makeup to cover the cracks and a happy smile to mask the pain, and all the world saw was a care-free veneer of perfection.

I was trapped in a paradox of my own making: I couldn’t put myself “out there” socially, professionally or romantically until I lost weight.  But I couldn’t lose weight because food was the only source of pleasure in my life. 

And this was the holding pattern I wasted years stuck in, all the while planning and preparing to start living the life I had dreamed of; the life I pinned pretty pictures of on Pinterest and made vision boards galore. The life I visualized, planned, set endless goals to achieve and tried my damndest to manifest, but never could seem to take meaningful, consistent action to create. Starting, but always falling back even further, it felt like there was an invisible forcefield I just couldn’t seem to break though.

The depression of loneliness turned to anxiety as the fear that my life was being wasted blasted its warning siren. I couldn’t sleep. The voice inside of me was screaming at me—at how ridiculous it all was. “Just do something you idiot!”

But I couldn’t. I was impotent, paralyzed in place. I hated myself for my failure to change my life. I was so utterly stuck. . . isolated. And it felt like I was slowly dying. 

As I write about this now, it seems like a different life, and a completely different person than who I am today. 

Now I feel strong and healthy and genuinely happy and free. I have finally become the person I always wanted to be, and I have a life even greater than the one I used to pin from my couch. I travel all over the world and work from anywhere I want. My clients are some of the most impressive and inspiring people to walk the earth— from celebrities and professional athletes to CEO’s of huge brands. I wake up watching the sunrise over the ocean from my bed, next to a gorgeous husband and two adorable dogs. Oh, and I finally got on a scale after forgetting about such silly notions as caring what you weigh—and it turns out I’m at my previous goal weight, without juice cleansing, starving or even dieting at all! 

But the way that I finally broke free and got here was not at all what I thought it would take.

I thought that I would discipline myself and work hard enough to one day achieve the perfect body, and then I would feel confident putting myself out there to achieve fame and fortune, and THEN I would be irresistible to a man and worthy of the love I craved. . .and then I would feel I was enough. 

But I had it completely backwards. All of those things finally and effortlessly came to me when I learned how to love myself— which ironically meant I stopped needing these things to happen. 

Deepak Chopra says: “Fulfillment is the state of needing nothing because you are enough in yourself.”

And that’s what happened. . . Through a series of synchronistic life events, I learned how to feel I was enough and fulfilled within myself, without requiring success, a man to love me or achieving my goal body weight.

And in the greatest irony of life, when I stopped needing these things, they effortlessly happened. I finally manifested everything I wanted and much, much more.

Much Love,